I'm in mourning. Many of you know that. I'm mourning a child who was murdered by abortion, who starved slowly in his earthly mother's womb through RU-486. I'm mourning a child who could have been mine, maybe would have been if the circumstances were a bit different. His mother was (is? I don't know anymore) a sister to me for eleven years, so I will naturally love any child that is borne of her. My nephew or niece, although I have a strong feeling it was a boy. I spiritually adopted him as my baby, named him Anwar (Arabic for luminous, full of light; appropriate as he is seeing the Lord's resplendent face) and slowly learned of details so strange, so perfect as to make me see that he was probably meant to be my angel baby (e.g., I have used the moniker "June1" FOREVER. I use it online when posting comments on forums, when I sign up for stuff, etc. Anwar died June 1st of this year. My birthday is also in June. Too perfect).
The morning after I found out Anwar had existed for about eight short weeks and then lost his life, I cracked. I went to the washroom at work and cried so deeply. I wanted to scream but the walls are paper-thin and people could probably hear my muffled sobs as it was. I invoked God, Jesus... anyone who would listen. I called to Anwar, apologized to him, told him I loved him. I think about this child non-stop, especially when I speak to his mother. Life has gone on for her, but it's a different kind of life now. I see how she is plunging herself into shallow matters, matters that are harming her and may even lead to another innocent child. God help her and all of us.
The point of this entry is the following: I have never mourned like this but I'm happy to. I really am. Someone has to and I THANK GOD EVERYDAY that He has blessed me with the resources to be able to both give Him glory and celebrate Anwar, give meaning to his memory. St. Faustina showed me recently how suffering is sweet and redemptive suffering is incredible. If it helps anyone involved, I want to shoulder this cross.
The very few people I have mentioned the abortion to (e.g., my husband, my mother) have little or nothing to say. To them, it was a, "Oh, that's too bad" situation, and then they continued on their merry way. They have no idea that I now have two children: one here with me and one in Heaven, but also with me (I have spiritually adopted other babies in the past, but this case is unique to me).
If they had any clue of what this baby means to me, they would think I was bat-sh*t insane, to put it delicately. The only person who truly knew how I was feeling was my dear Sister from the Sisters of Life. She had been on retreat for a couple of weeks and when she came back, I was finally able to share this with her. I pretty much broke down in her arms. She shared a story of a child she had spiritually adopted, to show me how we're doing the right thing and that I wasn't alone.
I am planning a memorial Mass for Anwar and am looking into doing other special things for him... all in secret. I'll also be ordering this soon: http://www.etsy.com/listing/100078623/childrens-ba...
That's how far I'm going. That's how much this means to me. Anwar was a real baby with a real soul. I want to preserve his memory forever since no one else seems to be doing it. And the fact that his earthly mother was my other half for so long makes this very, very, very personal.
I want to know if any of you have gone through this. Have you shared with your friends and family your grief for a child you didn't really know? God Bless all of these lost babies.